James was about my age, an Aries, very handsome, and a bit goofy (his profile included a link to him lipsyching an 80s hip hop ballad in a local park, which I watched wayyy more times than I would like to admit). He was average height, about 5'10" or so, athletic build, brown hair, brown eyes and glasses.
I created my OK Cupid profile on October 1, but, due to my work travel schedule, I didn't get a chance to meet up with James until a month later. (In hindsight I now realize he had patience unlike any I have seen before, or since. Kudos to him.)
During those weeks of messaging while I was away for work, he was charming, funny and checked in just the right amount. Not too often so as to appear overly eager, but also not waiting so long in between messages that I had to wonder if he'd forgotten about me.
For the first time in YEARS, I was smitten with someone, and we hadn't even met yet.
This guy was a pro dater. He commented on a picture of me with one of my dogs and said he wanted to meet her (how fucking cute is that?), so our date was planned. Sunday, at a local dog park; I would bring my dog, he would bring the coffee.
My first date in 7 years; to say I was nervous is a gross understatement.
I didn't know what to wear, so I went casual. I knew something this guy did not, the dog park we had chosen was actually a hike trailhead, meaning we would be walking on a dirt path. Not a nice paved trail. So I dressed appropriately in (nice) athletic wear and tennis shoes. He wore business casual. haha. Oops.
I remember getting ready in front of the mirror, t-minus 20 minutes before meeting up with him, and looking down at my hands. They were shaking as if I were about to go on stage in front of 5,000 people. We're set to meet at 1:00 p.m., yet I genuinely have to talk myself out of taking a shot of vodka before I leave the house.
There had been so much build up to this moment. Not only because this was my first post-divorce date, but I had also made a grievous error that you're not supposed to make, I put all my eggs in the James basket. I wasn't talking to anyone else. I wasn't flirting with anyone else.
As far as I was concerned, it was me and James. No other incoming messages on OK Cupid would receive a reply until I met James and saw what was what.
In the interim of us chatting, but before we had met, I went back east for a friend's wedding. While there, I TOLD PEOPLE ABOUT HIM. Like, made mention of this guy. Who I was talking to. But had YET TO ACTUALLY MEET. Eager much?
But we all have to start somewhere, so I shouldn't be so hard on myself. *shakes head*
So here I am, sitting on a park bench, waiting for my first date to begin.
James comes walking up. I'm pleased that he's as handsome as his pictures let on, but his frame is more slight than I expected (I prefer a guy with some mass to him. If I even have to guess whether or not I might outweigh him, I start to develop a complex).
We hug hello. He hands me my coffee which I hope I thanked him for (the nerves make me black out much of this), and off we go. Over the next hour, he proceeds to tell me all about his family, growing up back east, his job, he asks about mine. Typical first date conversation.
Despite me being really attracted to him and the conversation going well, I start to feel that tickle that you feel deep within your subconscious, telling you that something is amiss. I can't put my finger on it, still can't to this day, but it is the first palpable proof I have of CHEMISTRY. Or lack thereof.
This is very new to me and the first sign that something has changed in the dating world since I last had skin in this game. Chemistry existed when I dated in my twenties but it was... different. It was on or off. He was cute and I liked him, or he was not and I didn't. It went deeper than that, of course, but not by much.
If you were to wipe my memories clean of my ex-husband, ALA Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind style, and I were to meet him for a date today, he would not be getting a second date.
Attractive guy, sure, but we ALWAYS lacked chemistry. When I met him at 26, however, I didn't realize it. He was a nice guy and we got along fine, so we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Easy enough. However, today, chemistry is the MOST important thing. This I know, but I have yet to learn it.
At this moment with James, I didn't know yet what that feeling was, so I was in denial. On paper, this guy was awesome and I'd already wrapped so much time and attention into him that I was going to make something of this. To hell with my no getting attached for a while clause! Plus, what a great story this would make; Guy messages me the first day I'm on my first dating website. Then he's my very first post-separation date. Then he ends up being my boyfriend! Oh, kismet.
After a little over an hour, the date ends back at my car. He hugs me goodbye and tells me, very sweetly, that it was nice to meet me, then walks away. Again, there's that tickle of doubt. Isn't he supposed to say he wants to see me again? Like a fool, I ignore these signs too.
I go home, giddy that I've just met a handsome man and had a real date for the first time in FOREVER. I call my best friend and tell her all about it. Then the waiting game starts.
The guy is supposed to text to let you know he wants to see you again. I wait. I give it a day. Then another day. Something pops into my head that seems relevant to tell him, something that reminds me of a moment from our conversation. I don't even remember what anymore and, really, it doesn't matter. I think that everyone is just grasping at straws at this stage in the game and you'll talk about the weather if it means you might get a response from the person you like.
And I do. I get a positive, albeit brief, response from him. I see this as my golden ticket and I move full steam ahead. ...Before long, I'm telling him I like him and want to see him again. *forehead slap*
He's silent for a while (which feels like an eternity) before he comes back with the classic, "I'm sorry, but I didn't feel any chemistry," line. I am devastated, but... somewhere deep down, I think I am relieved. I don't know why yet, but later I figure out that it's because he's just vocalized and recognized what I could not, and I'm relieved that I didn't continue down this path blindly, going against my gut instincts without even realizing it.
Still, I genuinely grieve this loss. He likely forgot about me the next day, but I held onto this for a while and had to talk it through with a couple of girlfriends. It was a couple weeks before I stopped wondering what "went wrong," and started to forget about James the handsome Aries.
This is not the first time I've gotten attached quickly. Sadly, it won't be the last either.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Popping the Online Dating Profile Cherry
So here I am, in my early thirties and single again.
I tried the marriage thing. Didn't really work out for me.
Funny enough, I remember just a few days before the wedding thinking, "Thank GOD, I won't have to date ever again!"
Definitely jinxed myself that day.
But it's OK. As the comedian Louis C.K. says, "No happy marriage ever ended in divorce."
Same can be said for my marriage.
My ex, whom I'll call M, was a mooch. And I am very independent. So after a few years of supporting him while he made his way through school, I came to find that he no longer was working to earn a degree, but would love to continue going to school for shits and giggles while I remained the breadwinner. That's cool, right? And those kids we talked about having? I would need to find a way to support them on my income too. kthxbye.
We were separated before the year was up.
Which brings me to today. Recently single and not a damn clue how to go about finding a boyfriend.
Last time I was in the dating pool I was a young, naive 26 year old who played it very safe (I have never had a one night stand and can count my total number of partners on one hand). Now I'm an early thirties woman, supposedly in her prime.
So where do I begin? Well, online of course.
When I was 26, online dating was a thing reserved for the desperate, the horny, or the 45-and-over single moms. None of which I was at that time. Though I have been in a relationship for the past several years, I have not been blind to the dating world around me. I know about Tinder (and it frankly scares the shit out of me), match.com and OK Cupid, amongst others.
I don't like the idea of any of them, but I am acutely aware that this is the way it is done nowadays. Therefore, after a 4 week grace period once the ex finished moving his shit out, I build my first online dating profile.
I know that all dating websites offer something just a little bit different, based on what I am looking for.
But, what AM I looking for?
It would make a lot of sense if, at this stage, I just wanted hookups. I know I'm not looking for a relationship. In fact, the mere idea of having a boyfriend makes me break out in itchy, commitment-phobic hives.
But meaningless sex is not my thing either. At this point, I have only ever had sex while in committed relationships. *gagging noise*
I used to watch Sex and the City religiously when that was a thing on HBO.
Why? Not because it made sense to me, but because it didn't. Watching these four women who treated sex so casually baffled me. Don't you get attached? Don't you get your feelings hurt if you sleep with him on date #2 and he sneaks out in the middle of the night, never to be heard from again?
I identified more closely with prudish Charlotte, but even she usually put out by the third date. So far in my dating life, a guy would be lucky to get in my pants by the 8th date. And by then, I'm calling you my boyfriend.
But I knew well enough that something had changed while I was busy being married to the wrong person. I hit my sexual peak. I can feel it. I want to have more sex than I have ever had before, but I know that getting this past my heart will be tricky.
I'll deal with that later. Right now I need to think about what I can and can't do, what I do and don't want out of my upcoming dating adventures.
In short:
No meaningless sex.
No relationships.
(Hopefully) no getting attached to someone. Yet.
Which leaves ....what?
To put it simply, I want to learn to ride the bike again. With no hope of competing in the BMX races, just to learn the motions since all the gears have gotten very rusty. And the tire tubes need replacing. And I might want to replace that torn seat. And... you get the point.
No hookups means that Tinder is out... for now.
No real relationships means that match.com would sadly be a waste of both mine and any potential match's times.
So OK Cupid it is.
I do all the things you're supposed to do. I take time over several days and put real thought into my profile. I pick the best (but realistic) pictures of me, describe myself in a playful, and hopefully truthful light, answer the barrage of odd match questions that OK Cupid has, hit "save", and see what happens.
To skip past all the bullcrap that I have frankly already forgotten, let me summarize to say that after countless messages from randoms, I receive one that sticks out from the crowd. Let's call him James.
I tried the marriage thing. Didn't really work out for me.
Funny enough, I remember just a few days before the wedding thinking, "Thank GOD, I won't have to date ever again!"
Definitely jinxed myself that day.
But it's OK. As the comedian Louis C.K. says, "No happy marriage ever ended in divorce."
Same can be said for my marriage.
My ex, whom I'll call M, was a mooch. And I am very independent. So after a few years of supporting him while he made his way through school, I came to find that he no longer was working to earn a degree, but would love to continue going to school for shits and giggles while I remained the breadwinner. That's cool, right? And those kids we talked about having? I would need to find a way to support them on my income too. kthxbye.
We were separated before the year was up.
Which brings me to today. Recently single and not a damn clue how to go about finding a boyfriend.
Last time I was in the dating pool I was a young, naive 26 year old who played it very safe (I have never had a one night stand and can count my total number of partners on one hand). Now I'm an early thirties woman, supposedly in her prime.
So where do I begin? Well, online of course.
When I was 26, online dating was a thing reserved for the desperate, the horny, or the 45-and-over single moms. None of which I was at that time. Though I have been in a relationship for the past several years, I have not been blind to the dating world around me. I know about Tinder (and it frankly scares the shit out of me), match.com and OK Cupid, amongst others.
I don't like the idea of any of them, but I am acutely aware that this is the way it is done nowadays. Therefore, after a 4 week grace period once the ex finished moving his shit out, I build my first online dating profile.
I know that all dating websites offer something just a little bit different, based on what I am looking for.
But, what AM I looking for?
It would make a lot of sense if, at this stage, I just wanted hookups. I know I'm not looking for a relationship. In fact, the mere idea of having a boyfriend makes me break out in itchy, commitment-phobic hives.
But meaningless sex is not my thing either. At this point, I have only ever had sex while in committed relationships. *gagging noise*
I used to watch Sex and the City religiously when that was a thing on HBO.
Why? Not because it made sense to me, but because it didn't. Watching these four women who treated sex so casually baffled me. Don't you get attached? Don't you get your feelings hurt if you sleep with him on date #2 and he sneaks out in the middle of the night, never to be heard from again?
I identified more closely with prudish Charlotte, but even she usually put out by the third date. So far in my dating life, a guy would be lucky to get in my pants by the 8th date. And by then, I'm calling you my boyfriend.
But I knew well enough that something had changed while I was busy being married to the wrong person. I hit my sexual peak. I can feel it. I want to have more sex than I have ever had before, but I know that getting this past my heart will be tricky.
I'll deal with that later. Right now I need to think about what I can and can't do, what I do and don't want out of my upcoming dating adventures.
In short:
No meaningless sex.
No relationships.
(Hopefully) no getting attached to someone. Yet.
Which leaves ....what?
To put it simply, I want to learn to ride the bike again. With no hope of competing in the BMX races, just to learn the motions since all the gears have gotten very rusty. And the tire tubes need replacing. And I might want to replace that torn seat. And... you get the point.
No hookups means that Tinder is out... for now.
No real relationships means that match.com would sadly be a waste of both mine and any potential match's times.
So OK Cupid it is.
I do all the things you're supposed to do. I take time over several days and put real thought into my profile. I pick the best (but realistic) pictures of me, describe myself in a playful, and hopefully truthful light, answer the barrage of odd match questions that OK Cupid has, hit "save", and see what happens.
To skip past all the bullcrap that I have frankly already forgotten, let me summarize to say that after countless messages from randoms, I receive one that sticks out from the crowd. Let's call him James.
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