So here I am, in my early thirties and single again.
I tried the marriage thing. Didn't really work out for me.
Funny enough, I remember just a few days before the wedding thinking, "Thank GOD, I won't have to date ever again!"
Definitely jinxed myself that day.
But it's OK. As the comedian Louis C.K. says, "No happy marriage ever ended in divorce."
Same can be said for my marriage.
My ex, whom I'll call M, was a mooch. And I am very independent. So after a few years of supporting him while he made his way through school, I came to find that he no longer was working to earn a degree, but would love to continue going to school for shits and giggles while I remained the breadwinner. That's cool, right? And those kids we talked about having? I would need to find a way to support them on my income too. kthxbye.
We were separated before the year was up.
Which brings me to today. Recently single and not a damn clue how to go about finding a boyfriend.
Last time I was in the dating pool I was a young, naive 26 year old who played it very safe (I have never had a one night stand and can count my total number of partners on one hand). Now I'm an early thirties woman, supposedly in her prime.
So where do I begin? Well, online of course.
When I was 26, online dating was a thing reserved for the desperate, the horny, or the 45-and-over single moms. None of which I was at that time. Though I have been in a relationship for the past several years, I have not been blind to the dating world around me. I know about Tinder (and it frankly scares the shit out of me), match.com and OK Cupid, amongst others.
I don't like the idea of any of them, but I am acutely aware that this is the way it is done nowadays. Therefore, after a 4 week grace period once the ex finished moving his shit out, I build my first online dating profile.
I know that all dating websites offer something just a little bit different, based on what I am looking for.
But, what AM I looking for?
It would make a lot of sense if, at this stage, I just wanted hookups. I know I'm not looking for a relationship. In fact, the mere idea of having a boyfriend makes me break out in itchy, commitment-phobic hives.
But meaningless sex is not my thing either. At this point, I have only ever had sex while in committed relationships. *gagging noise*
I used to watch Sex and the City religiously when that was a thing on HBO.
Why? Not because it made sense to me, but because it didn't. Watching these four women who treated sex so casually baffled me. Don't you get attached? Don't you get your feelings hurt if you sleep with him on date #2 and he sneaks out in the middle of the night, never to be heard from again?
I identified more closely with prudish Charlotte, but even she usually put out by the third date. So far in my dating life, a guy would be lucky to get in my pants by the 8th date. And by then, I'm calling you my boyfriend.
But I knew well enough that something had changed while I was busy being married to the wrong person. I hit my sexual peak. I can feel it. I want to have more sex than I have ever had before, but I know that getting this past my heart will be tricky.
I'll deal with that later. Right now I need to think about what I can and can't do, what I do and don't want out of my upcoming dating adventures.
In short:
No meaningless sex.
No relationships.
(Hopefully) no getting attached to someone. Yet.
Which leaves ....what?
To put it simply, I want to learn to ride the bike again. With no hope of competing in the BMX races, just to learn the motions since all the gears have gotten very rusty. And the tire tubes need replacing. And I might want to replace that torn seat. And... you get the point.
No hookups means that Tinder is out... for now.
No real relationships means that match.com would sadly be a waste of both mine and any potential match's times.
So OK Cupid it is.
I do all the things you're supposed to do. I take time over several days and put real thought into my profile. I pick the best (but realistic) pictures of me, describe myself in a playful, and hopefully truthful light, answer the barrage of odd match questions that OK Cupid has, hit "save", and see what happens.
To skip past all the bullcrap that I have frankly already forgotten, let me summarize to say that after countless messages from randoms, I receive one that sticks out from the crowd. Let's call him James.
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