James was about my age, an Aries, very handsome, and a bit goofy (his profile included a link to him lipsyching an 80s hip hop ballad in a local park, which I watched wayyy more times than I would like to admit). He was average height, about 5'10" or so, athletic build, brown hair, brown eyes and glasses.
I created my OK Cupid profile on October 1, but, due to my work travel schedule, I didn't get a chance to meet up with James until a month later. (In hindsight I now realize he had patience unlike any I have seen before, or since. Kudos to him.)
During those weeks of messaging while I was away for work, he was charming, funny and checked in just the right amount. Not too often so as to appear overly eager, but also not waiting so long in between messages that I had to wonder if he'd forgotten about me.
For the first time in YEARS, I was smitten with someone, and we hadn't even met yet.
This guy was a pro dater. He commented on a picture of me with one of my dogs and said he wanted to meet her (how fucking cute is that?), so our date was planned. Sunday, at a local dog park; I would bring my dog, he would bring the coffee.
My first date in 7 years; to say I was nervous is a gross understatement.
I didn't know what to wear, so I went casual. I knew something this guy did not, the dog park we had chosen was actually a hike trailhead, meaning we would be walking on a dirt path. Not a nice paved trail. So I dressed appropriately in (nice) athletic wear and tennis shoes. He wore business casual. haha. Oops.
I remember getting ready in front of the mirror, t-minus 20 minutes before meeting up with him, and looking down at my hands. They were shaking as if I were about to go on stage in front of 5,000 people. We're set to meet at 1:00 p.m., yet I genuinely have to talk myself out of taking a shot of vodka before I leave the house.
There had been so much build up to this moment. Not only because this was my first post-divorce date, but I had also made a grievous error that you're not supposed to make, I put all my eggs in the James basket. I wasn't talking to anyone else. I wasn't flirting with anyone else.
As far as I was concerned, it was me and James. No other incoming messages on OK Cupid would receive a reply until I met James and saw what was what.
In the interim of us chatting, but before we had met, I went back east for a friend's wedding. While there, I TOLD PEOPLE ABOUT HIM. Like, made mention of this guy. Who I was talking to. But had YET TO ACTUALLY MEET. Eager much?
But we all have to start somewhere, so I shouldn't be so hard on myself. *shakes head*
So here I am, sitting on a park bench, waiting for my first date to begin.
James comes walking up. I'm pleased that he's as handsome as his pictures let on, but his frame is more slight than I expected (I prefer a guy with some mass to him. If I even have to guess whether or not I might outweigh him, I start to develop a complex).
We hug hello. He hands me my coffee which I hope I thanked him for (the nerves make me black out much of this), and off we go. Over the next hour, he proceeds to tell me all about his family, growing up back east, his job, he asks about mine. Typical first date conversation.
Despite me being really attracted to him and the conversation going well, I start to feel that tickle that you feel deep within your subconscious, telling you that something is amiss. I can't put my finger on it, still can't to this day, but it is the first palpable proof I have of CHEMISTRY. Or lack thereof.
This is very new to me and the first sign that something has changed in the dating world since I last had skin in this game. Chemistry existed when I dated in my twenties but it was... different. It was on or off. He was cute and I liked him, or he was not and I didn't. It went deeper than that, of course, but not by much.
If you were to wipe my memories clean of my ex-husband, ALA Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind style, and I were to meet him for a date today, he would not be getting a second date.
Attractive guy, sure, but we ALWAYS lacked chemistry. When I met him at 26, however, I didn't realize it. He was a nice guy and we got along fine, so we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Easy enough. However, today, chemistry is the MOST important thing. This I know, but I have yet to learn it.
At this moment with James, I didn't know yet what that feeling was, so I was in denial. On paper, this guy was awesome and I'd already wrapped so much time and attention into him that I was going to make something of this. To hell with my no getting attached for a while clause! Plus, what a great story this would make; Guy messages me the first day I'm on my first dating website. Then he's my very first post-separation date. Then he ends up being my boyfriend! Oh, kismet.
After a little over an hour, the date ends back at my car. He hugs me goodbye and tells me, very sweetly, that it was nice to meet me, then walks away. Again, there's that tickle of doubt. Isn't he supposed to say he wants to see me again? Like a fool, I ignore these signs too.
I go home, giddy that I've just met a handsome man and had a real date for the first time in FOREVER. I call my best friend and tell her all about it. Then the waiting game starts.
The guy is supposed to text to let you know he wants to see you again. I wait. I give it a day. Then another day. Something pops into my head that seems relevant to tell him, something that reminds me of a moment from our conversation. I don't even remember what anymore and, really, it doesn't matter. I think that everyone is just grasping at straws at this stage in the game and you'll talk about the weather if it means you might get a response from the person you like.
And I do. I get a positive, albeit brief, response from him. I see this as my golden ticket and I move full steam ahead. ...Before long, I'm telling him I like him and want to see him again. *forehead slap*
He's silent for a while (which feels like an eternity) before he comes back with the classic, "I'm sorry, but I didn't feel any chemistry," line. I am devastated, but... somewhere deep down, I think I am relieved. I don't know why yet, but later I figure out that it's because he's just vocalized and recognized what I could not, and I'm relieved that I didn't continue down this path blindly, going against my gut instincts without even realizing it.
Still, I genuinely grieve this loss. He likely forgot about me the next day, but I held onto this for a while and had to talk it through with a couple of girlfriends. It was a couple weeks before I stopped wondering what "went wrong," and started to forget about James the handsome Aries.
This is not the first time I've gotten attached quickly. Sadly, it won't be the last either.
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